Fap Off! Unsexy Sex In The Movies
Movie scenes so hardon-killing, they make oven cleaning seem erotic…
Rita, Sue & Bob Too (1986)
Alan Clarke's grimly authentic tale of George Costigan's sleazy, Northern ratbag having his end away with a pair of be-mulleted babysitters, made for disappointing late night viewing for any would-be wanker in the early nineties. "Ah thought I were great!" declares Bob after four minutes of pummelling his groin into two chubby Grange Hill extras. The sight of his middle-aged, milky-white arse cheeks pneumatically reverberating like Right Said Fred on pogo sticks, is the least sexy thing to come out of Bradford since, well, everything that's ever come out of Bradford.
Last Tango in Paris (1972)
Whilst many would nominate the rightly infamous "butter scene" (and God knows, it's put us off hot crumpets for many a high tea now) we'd like to take a minute – and no more – to consider the moment Marlon Brando begs Maria Schneider to push her pinkies into his poophole. The mere thought of it makes us want to carve out our genitals with a sword. Hope she scrubbed her nails after.
Body of Evidence (1993)
Thanks to her consistent aversion to clothing, the world has unwillingly played collective gynaecologist to Madge's vag' for the past three decades. And here it is again, stinking up the silver screen, and inversely proportional to her acting ability, she pours molten wax over the withered nipples of crag-faced man-lizard Willem Defoe. As erotically-charged as a Chuckle Brothers threesome.
Bay of Blood (1971)
An otherwise cheerful bit of squelch in the sack, ruined only by the sudden and tragic appearance of a spear, which impales the amorous pair in one fateful thrust. Was copied almost ad verbatim for Friday the 13th Part II.
Speaking of which…
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)
In which a corking bit of trouser-troubling tent tussle is brought to an abrupt and gory end as perky-titted Deborah is split completely in two by the murderous Mr Voorhees. Pity any teen who'd managed to stroke themselves to climax just before the blood sprayed.
The mid 1990's. A teenage boy peers out from his bedroom curtains before shutting them conspiratorially. Furtively sliding the lock on the door, he returns to his 14" CRT television and VHS player. Pressing 'play' on the remote control he settles himself on the edge of his bed and nonchalantly unzips his trousers. "Phwooar, this is bound to get sexy; it's an 18-rated film with Sharon Stone in it. She got her chuff out in Basic Instinc," thinks the boy. Two hours and a head-popping-in-a-vice later. "Oh god, she's got a mullet here. Oh hell, she's not coming on to Hoggle from Labyrinth, is she? Oh fuck, this is the sex scene? He's forcing her head onto his wang?" Boy wipes vomit from mouth, places flaccid member back into its den and dreams of a future world of internet-streamed, hardcore porn and/or real sex with a bare lady.
American Pie (1999)
No, not Nadia's stinky-fingered strum. The constant cutting to the online audience of said webcam wank nixes any gratification the scene should provide anyway. It's the final act of cherry-popping by characters Kevin and Vicky. For a giggling fratboy of a film, this is a remarkably lifelike representation of awkward first time fumbles: he listlessly stabs away at her defenceless hymen much to her visible displeasure. A soulless husk of a sex act that earns him a deserved dumping the next morning.
The Fly (1986)
Director David Cronenberg is thankfully not trying to induce excitement here. Good thing too, given that Jeff Goldblum – who is essentially a ladder made of flesh - plays an oily, facial-scarred curmudgeon who aggressively humps a frizz-haired trashy slut he just picked up in a sleazy bar. They'll make beautiful maggots together.
Rain Man (1988)
In an unconvincing display of raw sexuality, Tom Cruise and Valeria Golino give it their Hollywood best as Dustin Hoffman's impression of Autism's Greatest Hits orally replicates the pair's orgasmic braying, much to their fury and our confusion.
Basic Instinct (1992)
Michael Douglas' Detective, Nick Curran, soaks up a frustratingly impotent day of interrogating sexpot murder suspect Sharon Stone and subsequently squirts out his pent-up fury in a barely-consensual clincher with girlfriend, Jeanne Tripplehorn. There's an ambiguity over the scene's intent – be it to titillate or condemn - which leaves a taste as nasty in the mouth as the one on Douglas' underwear.
Bad Lieutenant (1992)
Not so much sex as sexualised self-loathing. Harvey Keitel's naughty plod coerces a girl to show him her derriere whilst her friend simulates oral sex and he bashes one out at the window of their car. As a drive-thru option, we can't see it catching on.
Don't Look Now (1973)
In a scene long regarded by cinephiles as an expertly-crafted and touching paean to the act of love-making, with modern eyes it's now kind of obvious it could wilt an erection at ten paces. Chiefly because: a) Donald Sutherland looks uncannily like Only Fools & Horses' Mickey Pearce as played by Rhys Ifans, and b) Julie Christie's groin is an untamed rainforest that even Ray Mears would think twice about exploring.
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