No 2: Battlefield
Each week, Miles Hamer will be getting shit-faced in the name of Doctor Who. Why not join in his fun?
The task: Watch randomly-chosen adventures from the show's history whilst observing the rules set out below.
Take a gulp when:
The TARDIS lands
Doctor and/or crew's identity queried
Psychic paper used
Sonic Screwdriver used
Historical figure introduced
The Doctor engages in fisticuffs
The Doctor uses a catchphrase (eg. Reverse the polarity, Allons-y)
An enemy uses their catchphrase (eg. Exterminate)
Smooching by regulars
Finish your drink when:
A companion is introduced
A companion leaves/dies
The Doctor regenerates
00:00 mins in…
Quick confession: I've already had a double scotch. Why? Because I'm watching Battlefield, for Christ's sake.
Bloody hell, this title sequence is going on a bit, isn't it?
Two pensioners in a garden centre; arguably the least arresting opener to any Who adventure ever. Still, it's Lethbridge-Stewart, so I take a swig for the Brig.
The new Brig, however, is the female Lister off've Red Dwarf! That's no reason to drink mind.
"Professor!" That's a catchphrase. And we're off.
I've had three "Professors" in the past couple of minutes. Get his name right DOROTHY.
My wife's accent-sympathetic ears have to translate some garbled Scottish for me.
At last, some gunfire and death, not to mention some limp sword waggling.
Sylvester's being invited to fondle a blind lady's scabbard. Do what now?
Gulping for gunfire.
Oh god no, it's the "BOOM!" moment. I'm hiding behind my beer can out of embarrassment.
A couple more "Professors" aside, part one is over and I'm not even a single pint down.
Lister and Ancelyn are having a comedy fight. It's not exactly in the rules but I'm retconning them out of sheer desperation. Down goes my first drink.
"By this sword, I part the curtain of knight". Filthy bastard.
The baddy knight is laughing maniacally. What the chuff?
Nick Courtney has spent an entire episode in a helicopter. I have spent an entire episode not getting drunk.
The Brig's chopper stops working, thanks to the intervention of an angry witch. We've all been there.
Morgaine: "A warrior no less! How goes the day?" Man, I'm way too sober for this shit.
Might have to invent a new rule – I drink every time somebody uses words, or blinks or just appears, or SOMETHING.
"When I say run, run!" Finally, I can have a ruddy drink.
McCoy hoarsely braying, "Aaace!" is definitely a catchphrase, I've just decided.
Well, thankfully there's only one episode left.
I've just checked the DVD and no, it's a four parter. Bollocks.
An onscreen death, thank fuck. Never have I been so satisfied to watch someone lose their precious life. Well, except for the end of Earthshock, obviously.
Lister is firing at knights in an open-top 2CV. That probably sounds a lot better than it actually looks.
The Doctor is hypnotising people. If he could hypnotise me into thinking I'm watching, say, The Seeds of Doom instead, that'd be just peachy.
Bessie! I'm toasting the re-introduction of a companion. Yes, "companion". Come on, there's more personality going on there than there is in Dodo.
Holy smokes, action!
Holy smokes, racism!
They hug. So - racism brings together, such is my understanding.
There's a battle going on. A battle going on in a field. Finally, I can finish my second drink.
"There! Will! Be! No battle! Here!" I'm so glad my wife has fallen asleep.
The Doctor thwarts Merdel with a silly face. It's close enough to a scrap to count.
Ace: "If you're so bad, why haven't you done anything yet?" I'm willing to bet Michael Grade saw this and took that line as a challenge.
"Aaaaaaace!" That deserves half a beer at least.
The Brig does us all a favour and lays out Sylv.
Well, that didn't last long.
Shots. Death. I chug back a couple.
THE BRIG'S DEAD! Well, I could almost believe it if his moustache wasn't twitching quite so much from his oxygen-supping, flappy mouth. Sod it, I'm finishing this drink regardless.
And all of the women go off shopping, because that's what women do, isn't it? Yeah, they love that shit…
U.N.I.Ts consumed: A paltry 6.6 (plus a double scotch, outside of the rules)
Less the bawdy spirit of Camelot, more the lo-tech dry tedium of an episode of Knightmare, Battlefield is an adventure whose action is as disappointing as the alcohol consumption it failed to elicit. As it was, getting slightly drowsy during its runtime only served to magnify its problems, which would have seemed a hell of a lot funnier if I'd already been pissed. I can recommend watching Battlefield for drinking games purposes no more than I can recommend watching Battlefield for entertainment purposes. Boom indeed.
Disclaimer: We here at The Fan Can recommend only moderate consumption of alcohol and do not endorse binge drinking. Basically, Matthew Waterhouse will never convince, no matter how pissed you get.
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