No. 8: The TV Movie
Each week, Miles Hamer will be getting shit-faced in the name of Doctor Who. Why not join in his fun?
The task: Watch randomly-chosen adventures from the show's history whilst observing the rules set out below.
Take a gulp when:
The TARDIS takes off/lands
Doctor and/or crew's identity queried
Psychic paper used
Sonic Screwdriver used
Historical figure introduced
Catchphrase (eg. Exterminate)
Self-sacrifice saves the day
Title of the adventure is mentioned
The Doctor uses a pithy putdown
Oops! Continuity, prop or dialogue malfunction
Soliloquy of the villainy
Mention of Gallifrey and/or Doctor's family (except Susan)
Finish your drink when:
The baddies are defeated
A companion is introduced
A companion leaves/dies
The Doctor regenerates
The Master on trial on Skaro? Narrated by McGann? I'd forgotten all this. I'll take a couple of lubricating mouthfuls to ease in the adventure.
Gulp for Gallifrey.
A catchphrase quaff for "Exterminate", though it so doesn't deserve one. Are these Daleks gargling Fizz Wizz popping mouth candy or something?
Explosion! More beer! I'm liking this already.
Hmm, starting the theme with the middle eight makes it sound over-confident and triumphant before it's even began - it needs to earn that lift. I've spit some beer back into my can as a protest.
That was a terrible idea. Now I'm drinking my own spitty backwash. Thanks a lot, re-arranged theme tune.
The sonic! Swig.
Sylv' sniffs a jelly aby. Who sniffs jelly babies? Bit creepy mate.
The Doctor's reading HG Wells' The Time Machine. Subtle guys, subtle.
More ham-fisted symbolism: the records scratches on the lyric, "time". I'm almost expecting someone to come in dressed as a giant clock, clutching an eggtimer and pulling a moonie.
That didn't happen.
The Master's out! Of captivity.
Drinking to TARDIS console explosions.
Another masterclass in acting understatement as Sylv's eyeballs widen to the size of table tennis bats. I assume he's trying to convey fear, but it just looks he suddenly realised he forgot to wipe his PC's hard drive when he handed it in for repair this morning. That's a sort of fear, I guess. 06:05 Guzzling for gunfire! Bloody loads of it.
I'll swig to that funky little kick matey does, 'cos it's just so weird, yeah?
More gunfire. More gulping. Blimey, all a bit shooty this, isn't it? Isn't Doctor Who essentially a kid's show? 07:25 TARDIS lands. 07:27 These dudes are firing more lead into the TARDIS than my throat can take.
Shit – down goes Sylv'. Can't drink to it, 'cos he's not dead yet.
Chang Lee's friends have lost their lives however, so I can finish my first drink. Yay me!
Ooh, it's Eric Roberts. You know, him off've The Dark Knight and that Killers video.
Let's be honest though - he's probably most famous for being born out of the same vagina as sister Julia.
The alcohol made me think that.
OK, before I'm no longer sober, I would like to say that whatever anyone thinks of this story, it looks absolutely beautiful. Every shot is perfectly framed, lit and executed with an elegance rarely seen on network telly. Seriously.
Mind you, this snake is fairly bollocks.
I'm guessing Grace's breastalicious getting into scrubs shot is the nineties "something for the Dads" moment. Quick mouthful for an eyeful.
Speaking of tits, here's SYLVESTER MCCOY'S NIPPLES! Swift bit of spew for McCoy's moobs.
And he's dead. Laters dude, see you in the Hobbit.
Mention of "Wild Bill Hicock". Fourteen years on and I still haven't googled him.
I should google him. Shall I google him?
Nah, sod it.
Bruce gets deep-throated by the Master, which leaves his mouth dripping with white fluid.
Sylv' gurns his cock off and turns into Paul McGann. Regeneration! Down drink. Two pints down. Right, let's fight!
A comedy faint. Has anybody ever laughed at a comedy faint?
"Who am aaaarrrgh!" Alright pal, it's not an audition for The Wurzels, you know. Anyway, that's as close to a "Doctor Who?" gag we're going to get here so I'm sipping to that.
Jesus Christ, it's Jesus Christ.
The Master's green-eyes is very X-files Tooms. A neckful to his wife's neck- snap. I love drinking to slaughter – makes me feel like a Roman, or something.
This mortuary attendant is like a shit Jack Black.
Alright, an even shitter Jack Black.
Aright, he's pretty good in Be Kind Rewind.
McGann pulling out a wire from his chest. Gross.
The Master pulling off his fingernails. Double gross.
Racism! I can't believe that's not in the rules.
Two counts of Doctor name-dropping. I'll swig to that, 'cos there's nothing else to drink to at the mo.'
Ooh, use of the word "crap". Oh, you do the obvious joke. Go on, see where it gets you.
So, Grace became a Doctor because of a dream she had when she was a child? I had multiple dreams about Batman as a kid, but I never became a superhero.
Or did I? Aah. Taps nose. Spills drink
Three mentions of Gallifrey. Three mouthfuls of delicious beer.
The Cloister Room looks uncannily like Hogwarts' Great Hall. Roberts and McGann are both great fun. I wish this wasn't so damned stoopid. This Eye of Harmony waffle is sobering me up. Must get drunker.
Thank lips for smooching, as I get a couple of mouthfuls as a result. Remind me why fandom got so mental over this exactly? It's not like he's fingering her and hell, he's a handsome man – he probably could have fingered her.
I wonder if he wanted to finger her?
That's the alcohol talking, yeah?
Oh god, one thing alcohol can't explain is this half-baked, half-human blah about the body-snatching, the Daleks and frig knows what else. I'm having more beer to cope with this cobblers. Honestly, I'm missing a sarcastic Robert Webb-narrated clip show for this.
OK then, this is marginally better. Three pints down.
Best bit - the Master's correction of Grace's English.
The Doctor gets handy with a fire extinguisher. As it's the closest we're going to get to gunfire, I'm counting it.
Scratch that, Grace just shot a motorbike for some reason. Glug.
Getting slightly tipsy now. Come on Doctor, get away from that lethal, yet charming and amusing, bastard. 56:05 I've no problem with the Doctor in a motorbike chase, but I do wish something would happen other than overtaking a couple of cars and a piddly jump over a small grassy bank.
A nob joke! Why not eh? He did finger her, after all.
Hang on, no he didn't. I don't think.
Four guys plastered head to toe in sticky white goo. I'm knocking back four wet mouthfuls to that.
Because they're dead, right?
Oh dicksacks, this plot is garbage. I'm grumpy drunk.
Ouch, Grace twats the Doctor one. Swig for that. Almost four pints down.
And again. Grace has a mean bitch-slap on her.
I daresay even Louie Spence thinks that The Master's camp little Time Lord pose is "a bit ruddy much."
Smooching! Sort of. The Master gives Chang Lee a little peck. Fourth pint down.
Drinking to Chang Lee's death. Hurrah! Look, I didn't like the character and I want more alcohol, plus it's in the rules anyway. Don't make this into "a thing" 'cos it's so not.
Ew, The Master forces his lips on Grace.
Fair enough though, The Doctor did finger…no no, that didn't happen, did it?
Explosions galore as I guzzle to this bloody nonsense.
Wish I'd pressed "enter" for audio navigation. Might have explained to me what the fuck is going on.
This is visually and audibly very noisy. My head hurts.
Grace got done murdered up. Drink to that. Her sub-screwball witticisms were starting to grate.
Fisticuffs galore as the Master and the Doctor have a cosy little wrestle.
In a puff of bullshit, the Master's gone. Baddies defeated so down my fifth.
Pretty gone now, ok? Might have a little lie down.
Crap, I am lying down. Oh, this isn't good.
Erm, they're back to life? Do I drink to that? No, I'm whammed already.
Gallifrey again. Oh come on, more? I'm hurting here.
TARDIS lands. Leave it out.
Kissing and explosions. It's probably my intoxication, but I quite like this cheesy bellend of an ending.
Feel a bit sick. Maybe I'm not so hot for it after all.
TARDIS takes off. Last bit of booze.
It ends with the Doctor exclaiming, "Oh no, not again!" to the traditional comedy "boing" sound of a man getting a hard-on. What the tits?
So, a Master story in which the Doctor rewound events so that things never turned out the way they did, Thank god the series will never be dumb enough to repeat that crap storyline, eh?
U.N.I.Ts consumed: 12.5
Remarkably, there's quite a lot to commend The TV Movie purely as an exercise in getting bladdered. Considering its lowly reputation amongst the community for not conforming to Whovian lore, there are many moments that get the alcohol flowing plentifully. Unfortunately, the script is such ill-conceived, technobabble Bullturd, it's a slog to wade through the guff plotting and enjoy the character moments (mostly involving the Roberts' deliciously villainous Master) that alcohol consumption typically enhances. Separating the bitter fandom baggage from simply enjoying the show for its own sake can also prove tricky. You may find yourself hugging your bottle, challenging the scriptwriter to a fight or even bellowing teary-eyed, theatrical recriminations that Paul McGann never got a full series as the Doctor. Given that fact, I have to recommend this. It's the only time we get to raise a glass to the shortest-lived Doctor of all, and as a good man once nearly said, one good, solid piss-up is worth a cartload of sobriety.
Disclaimer: We here at The Fan Can recommend only moderate consumption of alcohol and do not endorse binge drinking. Basically, Matthew Waterhouse will never convince, no matter how pissed you get.
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