No. 9: Revelation of the Daleks
Each week, Miles Hamer will be getting shit-faced in the name of Doctor Who. Why not join in his fun?
The task: Watch randomly-chosen adventures from the show's history whilst observing the rules set out below.
Take a gulp when:
The TARDIS takes off/lands
Doctor and/or crew's identity queried
Psychic paper used
Sonic Screwdriver used
Historical figure introduced
Catchphrase (eg. Exterminate)
Self-sacrifice saves the day
Title of the adventure is mentioned
The Doctor uses a pithy putdown
Oops! Continuity, prop or dialogue malfunction
Soliloquy of the villainy
Mention of Gallifrey and/or Doctor's family (except Susan)
Finish your drink when:
The baddies are defeated
A companion is introduced
A companion leaves/dies
The Doctor regenerates
Haven't even started drinking yet and I want a curry. Mainly because I always associate this tale with curry for reasons to boring to go into.
Mind you, I had a curry made of Naga chilli peppers last week, which was like trying to eat a lit Catherine Wheel. My jaw practically dissolved.
Hurrah, the TARDIS has landed. And in the snow too! Let's get bladdered.
The Doctor tells Peri that she eats too much. Wow, that guy is seriously lacking in self-awareness.
Ooh, the Doctor's going for a triple word mention of "guy" (not a Scrabble score, but his catchphrasical habit of scornfully repeating words in an increasingly belligerent trio). Yeah, "catchphrasical" is so totally a word.
Bollocks, he stopped at two.
These intruders are to stealth what Keith Chegwin is to masturbation.
My god, that's horrific! Colin's trousers are visibly very tight. He's clearly bigger on the outside.
Oh, and there's a mutant too.
The Doctor's hypnosis would be an awful lot more successful if he wasn't dressed as a carnival float on fire. Kind of makes it hard to relax, yeah mate?
The mutant agrees – they're scrapping. And Peri's screaming too, which means I get a double chug. At last!
Who's that fat bastard? It's Alexei Sayle of course! Sly swig for the Scouser.
Hmm, magnolia Daleks? Bit Homebase, isn't it? Still, better than the current monstrosities mind.
Christ, not their voices though. It's like a kazoo doing an impression of Joe Pasquale.
The nervous intruder man is drinking. Me too then, 'cos there's nothing else to make me right now.
OK, scratch that – bullets! And death. Brutality brings beer.
The mutant meets his maker. Well, he doesn't, as that was Davros. Point is, he's dead, and I get a swig as a result.
Hang on, wasn't that the part they allegedly offered to Sir Laurence Olivier? Bloody hell, no wonder he told them to cock off.
"I obey," squeaks a Dalek. That's a catchphrase. Gulp.
Nice try, but this "going further into the catacombs" visual effect just looks like a film projectionist got pissed.
Wish I was. Come on, stuff – happen!
Woah there, Jenny Tomasin alert. What is she doing?
"Find the intruders!" she barks. It's such an anal trump of a delivery I'm embarrassed for the camera guy who had to keep watching to keep it in focus. I'm sneaking in a quick sup in to combat the shame.
Whoops! You can see the Dalek operator clearly through his neck grill. Mouthful for the mistake.
Vogel: "I'm a past master at double entry". Colin on the cross! Vogel's deliciously queeny, isn't he? I imagine he and Charles Hawtrey used to drink gin together at the same bar, swapping fanciful stories of sordid deeds, cocktail recipes, and polaroids of mens' sweaty knobs.
I've really not drunk very much yet.
More gunfire! More gulping!
Good grief, there's a "shot for the Dad's" – Peri's splayed cheeks from a low angle. Wonder how many fans have slowed that down for a "better look"?
I hope it turns out that that was Terry Walsh in drag, just for justice's sake.
InvisiDalek buys the farm. Neck to that.
Natasha & Greg are getting smacked about by matey off've the 2006 Cybermen stories. It gets a swig but I can't say I'm entirely comfortable with this level of sadism.
"They're like a double act" says Bostock of Kara & Vogel. Ooh, it's getting meta. I wish it was getting, er, wetter. As in beer. Ah, you see what I mean.
Davros calls Tasambeker – 49 years old at the time of production – "child". Well, I can't do the maths but that makes me a spunk or something.
Colin's curmudgeonly polystyrene mug looms into shot for the cliffhanger. Wow, that's kind of up there with Death to the Daleks' floor tiles, isn't it?
Scream Peri scream!
Ooh, the word "erection."
More vicious treatment of the captives. She's bruised, he's pissed, and matey's roughing them both up. I'm not drunk enough to deal with this, and this level of gleeful violence really doesn't feel right in Doctor Who.
Hark at me, coming over all Mary Whitehouse.
No, I didn't mean…oh, sod it.
Poor, poor, poor Nicola Bryant – pretending to laugh at the DJ's gag-free message. I like Alexei Sayle, but where was the humour in that?
Gunfire! Explosions! Death! Three gobfuls in as many minutes. At last.
Almost an hour in and the Doctor's barely involved in the plot.
Colin gets clobbered. Let's have some beer for that. At least he's in the plot now, albeit unconscious.
Another "for the Dads" (and lesbians, presumably) shot – Peri's cleavage takes centre stage. It's all a bit embarrassing really.
Ooh, I forgot to drink to the Doctor's incarceration. Let's do that then.
I'm not drunk enough yet, if actually at all. So tell me – why on earth are these two bearded bastard suddenly so concerned about the ethics of Davros' experiments? They were perfectly happy to physically assault their prisoners not just a few minutes ago. Why the conscience turnaround?
"He should be exterminated" Yay! First use of said catchphrase. Glug.
Bostock takes down a guard. Swig.
The Doctor loses a swift tussle with that assassin who looks like a woodwork teacher.
Do "woodwork teachers" still exist? Or are they now Design Management Instructors now, or something? God, that makes me sound old.
I spent a year in my woodwork class making a "guitar wardrobe" (my idea). I didn't get very far with it, and ultimately ended up with a coffin for dwarves.
Tasambeker has just pulled the WEIRDEST face. She looked like Peter Butterworth being milked.
She stabs Jobel with all the passionate rage of a librarian unenthusiastically rebuking a pensioner for not paying late fines over a Dean Koontz.
Right, they're both dead now so a double chug, right?
3 x "exterminates" plus the act itself. That's about a third of a drink.
"I obey" Me too! I obey the rules of the drinking game, yeah? Yeah? Oh suit yourself.
Natasha's recalling her inner Ripley and destroying mutant embryos. I'm destroying brain cells, which is much the same thing I imagine.
Now all three together!
LOADS more. Bert keep necking until the dialogue starts again.
Orcini's legless! Shame I'm still not.
"My vision is impaired." Mine's fine, but I'm drinking to that catchphrase.
Bostock goes down. Exerminations-a-plenty. Big Bad Davros gets some zaps in too.
Natasha bites Dalek ray tubes.
Orcini makes sure Kara…wait for it…gets the point! Yeah? 'Cos he stabbed her up with a pointy thing, right? Oh, you'd need to be watching it to appreciate such a crap joke. Oh whatever man, I'm drinking beer, man.
Dalek killed by rock 'n' roll. Apparently.
More rays, explosions, and another dead Dalek. The drink is flowing nicely, thanks.
Alexei Sayle gets the "stuff" knocked out of him.
And dies, like.
Colin & Molloy. I could watch, or at least listen, to these two bicker all day. They're great together.
Bang goes Davros' suspiciously long hand! And Bostock dies, er, again.
Now Colin's getting busy with his fists. Crumbs, it's all happening.
Holy shitcakes, the Dalek Civil War* is requiring a lot of alcohol necking.
*now there's a phrase nobody's ever used just before sex. I sincerely hope.
So, what's the Doctor done here except made a rubbish joke about Davros' new handicap?
Ask a silly question – he's fired a machine gun and taken out a Dalek's eyestalk! I'm slugging one back for that. When the Doctor protests against gun use in theure, he's lying out of his cheesy Gallifreyan bellend. Conversely, he's quite the crack shot.
Goodbye Orcini! William Gaunt was great in this. Probably would have given me a decent mark for my dwarf coffin too. Unlike my actual woodwork teacher, who suggested that perhaps my talents lied outside of anything to do with using my hands, power tools or common sense.
This is the dumbest ending ever. Who ends their narrative with an unfinished
U.N.I.Ts consumed: A measly 6.8
Revelation of the Daleks might be an interesting diversion from the usual route Who takes - and plaudits to it for that - but it's also desperately self-regarding and serious, much to the detriment of the show's intrinsic sense of fun. It's so wrapped up in telling a "dark" story with a variety of crazies and dislikeables, the plot feels like one long trudge of exposition, only for it to end like every other Dalek story anyway - exterminations and death by the TARDIS-load. Consequently, as a means to accompany liquor intake, I can't recommend this to anyone looking for a blast of raised glasses and expectations. And lest we forget, the next time Colin and Nicola would be in front of the camera together was for the video shoot of Doctor in Distress. How could that ever be reason to celebrate?
Disclaimer: We here at The Fan Can recommend only moderate consumption of alcohol and do not endorse binge drinking. Basically, Matthew Waterhouse will never convince, no matter how pissed you get.
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