No 3: The Tomb of the Cybermen
Each week, Miles Hamer will be getting shit-faced in the name of Doctor Who. Why not join in his fun?
The task: Watch randomly-chosen adventures from the show's history whilst observing the rules set out below.
Take a gulp when:
The TARDIS takes off/lands
Doctor and/or crew's identity queried
Psychic paper used
Sonic Screwdriver used
Historical figure introduced
Catchphrase (eg. ''Exterminate')
Self-sacrifice saves the day
The title of the adventure is mentioned
The Doctor uses a pithy putdown
Oops! - Continuity, prop or dialogue malfunction
Soliloquy of the villainy
Mention of Gallifrey and/or Doctor's family (except Susan)
Finish your drink when:
The baddies are defeated
A companion is introduced
A companion leaves/dies
The Doctor regenerates
00:30 mins in…
The TARDIS! It looks knackered.
"What are all these knobs?" asks Victoria. If it was 1982, the answer would begin, "Well, that pillock in the pyjamas is called Adric…"
I know, cheap shot. Speaking of shot, I'm knocking back my first gulp, just to toast Victoria's little TARDIS tour.
Bloody hell, this is blurry. I've only just started drinking – what the shit's going on?
Oh hang on, I forgot to wear my glasses.
Glasses on but it's still blurry. Oh cocks, this isn't VIDfired.
TARDIS takes off! Let's get pissed.
Explosion. Now we're talking. And drinking.
Ooh, the Cyber lair. They appear to have drawn piccies of themselves on the front fascia. Nice domestic touch. House name "Dunconvertin" just out of shot.
Fifty quid to open a door? I'd do it. Anything for half a ton.
Ooh, maybe not. Johnny Eager Trousers gets fried for his troubles. Still, worth a gulp at least.
TARDIS engines indicating landing. Another mouthful.
"Who are you?" Another for the rules. And I thought this would be slow.
Toberman's a mute servant?! Awkward. Hey, it was the '60s. Racism was fine back then, I expect.
Note to self: phone Mum and ask her if racism was ok in the 1960's.
Oh god, even the Doctor's pussyfooting around Toberman like he's a malevolent and volatile alien from the planet Black. I'd somehow forgotten all this. Or suppressed it. Is racism in the rules? No. Well, screw them, I'm having a stiff one to cope with this.
Oh, he's not mute, just a servile cretin. THANK CHRIST, that's fine then.
The Doctor slaps down Klieg with a bitchy retort. You go girl!
Victoria's incarcerated. I'm trapping beer in my tummy, or something. (Great analogy Miles. Thanks Miles).
Jamie: "I don't want to take my eyes off it." I feel the same during certain sections of Planet of Fire.
I'm talking boobs, ok? Good, glad we're clear.
Victoria's wailing, and I'm a pint down already. Hurrah!
Time to crack open another already – it's an episode title mention.
Shot! Death! Scream! That's a triple-chucker as we bang into the end credits.
Triple gulp again. Thanks recap.
Victoria screams again. At nothing. I mean, great that it's getting me beer an' all, but for the love of Zarbi, she'd scream if you offered her a cushion.
"The first guy that set…sets foot in my rocket ship". Yeah, that's a fluff. A minor fluff but worth a gob full of hops nonetheless.
Of Toberman, The Doctor remarks "Your colleague has very strong hands" to Kaftan. "Very strong," she retorts. That knowing voice and glint says she's had more than the shop demonstration in this matter. Wonder if there's any Kaftan/Toberman slash fanfic?
"Go down Toberman!" Not the first time he's obeyed that instruction.
"Tombs of the Cybermen" Drink!
Victoria's poisoned liquid is making her drowsy. Know the feeling.
More self-portraits of the Cybermen. If any Who villains wank in the mirror, it's these guys.
And Richard Briers (I imagine).
Klieg shoots dead the bloke who looks like Klieg. Which is handy as I was confusing the two. Plus, I've nearly finished my second pint.
My wife, who's been casually watching from the sofa, finally breaks her silence on Victoria's pitiful sobbing. "What does she do except cry in the corner?". I pretend not to hear.
Villain's speech. Second pint done.
The bacofoil bastards are busting their way out of clingfilm to the best music ever, which my wife compliments. Shocked. And a teeny bit drunk by now.
A cybermat causes two screams and a death! Which is weird, 'cos they only elicit laughter in the Hamer household. Still, that's a triple glug again.
Pistol-packing Vic takes out the little shit. Another two swigs.
The cyber salute. That's a visual catchphrase so yet another chug.
I don't remember the Cyber Controller's head being that big or phallic. He's like a CyberWang. Or worse, Ted Danson.
Feel a bit like watching Cheers. Or, at a push, Three Men and a Baby.
Wasn't there a ghost in that or something? I'm sure this very website wrote about that not so long ago.
Oh, no, it was a myth.
Shit, what's going on? Damn my ADD.
CyberDanson's face is a bit, well, spunky.
"You shall be like us" That's a catchphrase. Down it goes. And roll credits.
The Cybermen's plan is CRAP.
Kaftan's not dead?! Bollocks. Well, I'm not sicking up two mouthfuls to compensate.
"We will survive". I don't need Roy Walker to tell me that this is a catchphrase.
Poor Jamie gets zapped. On the plus side, if we see some shit on the floor, then we'll have finally cleared up that mystery about Scottish men and underwear.
A Cyberman "lifts" up Toberman's suddenly gravity-shy body into the air. The actor appears to be reaching on tiptoes to keep up with the levitating heavy.
More screaming. More beer.
Victoria: "Who'd be a woman?" Capt. Hopper: "How would you know, honey?" Oh god. Look, let's just agree that 1960's politics has moved on, and so should we.
"You will be like us". What - monotonous dead-eyed lanks with zero personality? Holy crap, Vernon Kay's a Cyberman?
Smokebombs explode. More fizzy stuff goes down. The Cybermen bumble about like Goths dancing in dry ice. Three pints are done.
Fisticuffs. Zapping. Drinking.
Victoria screams and twats a leg-pulling Telosian.
Either I'm more drunk than I realise (quite likely) or the Cybermats have doubled in size since the last episode. Might write to Points of View about that one. That's still Barry Took, yeah?
Klieg fires a cyber gun.
Aw, it's that touching scene between the Doctor and Victoria. It's beautiful. I'm both welling and tanked up.
Bloody loads of stuff is happening. I'm constantly chugging back.
Klieg fires his pistol. Baldy bastard.
Shot! Death! Sacrifice! Gulpage à trois.
Oh, he's not dead. I should stop kneejerk necking.
"I wish to speak to the controller" shouts Klieg three times to telling silence. They're controller's clearly thinking, "Sod off you boring slaphead".
CyberDanson is heaving out brainwaves to Toberman. It's visual technobabble so earned a mouthful.
"We will survive" burbles the controller as his energy levels drain away, sounding not unlike how I feel. That's four pints now.
Speaking of energy reserves, I could well do with some snackage. I'd like some Monster Munch.
We don't have any Monster Munch.
I really want Monster Munch. So unfair.
"We will survive". Give it a rest Danson, I'm hammered.
Danson busts out of a wall. It's like that bit in "Getting Even with Dad" where...oh, who am I kidding? I've not seen Getting Even with Dad. No one's seen Getting Even with Dad.
Slugging one back for pseudo-science.
Toberman's kicking ass. Kaftan's screaming. I'm spinning.
CyberDanson shoots Kaftan. As I'm now pretty drunk perhaps every one could just sit down for a cliché-free resolving of differences amicably; I might just then survive tomorrow's hangover.
Toberman picks up a suspiciously limp Cyberman. It's like a blow-up doll inflated by your Nan.
"Now I know you're mad. I just wanted to make sure." Yeah, go Doctor Who, you tell that twat. You're amazing you are, I love you…Christ, I'm smashed.
Klieg's down and Toberman's having a little wrestle with a Cyberman. Wish I had a giant foam hand to wave about.
Doctor's reconfiguring the door so that anyone trying it will get a FATAL SHOCK. What, even a couple of curious kids? Bloody hell.
"When I say run, run". More drink. Really?
"We must survive" x 2. I hate you Cybermen, just like my liver hates me.
Cybermen vanquished with a self-sacrifice from Tokenblack, sorry I mean Toberman. Hmm, this sits as well with my conscience as it does my head, which is swimming in alcoholic stupor and regret. Roll credits now please…
A few minutes later…
My Mum (on phone): "Yes, of course racism was bad in the 1960's, why are you asking? Have you been drinking?"
U.N.I.Ts consumed: 11.
From sober to five-pint-drunk in 95 minutes, Tomb of the Cybermen's clunky B movie narrative and propensity for deaths, sci-fi clichés and repetitive catchphrases belies fandom's accusation that it's just one long dry-hump in a fridge. A lot of silly, square-jawed fun with effects as questionable as its racial and sexual politics, it's a whole easier to swallow with the frequent pliancy of alcohol's numbing flow. Recommended.
Disclaimer: We here at The Fan Can recommend only moderate consumption of alcohol and do not endorse binge drinking. Basically, Matthew Waterhouse will never convince, no matter how pissed you get.
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