The Goon Show: Doctor Who's Thickest Villains

We list the most cretinous plans of the series' most stupid monsters.

 

 

The Doctor is one brainy son-of-a Time Lord, so his enemies should be of similar smart-arse standing. Sometimes, however, even the greatest plotters of evil are just a Dunce cap away from standing in the corner of stupidity. A nefarious plan can be too convoluted, too unfocussed, or just too god-damn shit to get off the ground, as these following examples amply demonstrate.

 

Villain/s: Krillitanes, School Reunion (2006)

Krillitane in School Reunion

The Aim:

Universal dominion

The Plan:

Infiltrate school, replace staff, fry chips in own oil (which is lethal to themselves), implement and enforce new school menu, make children hyper intelligent, get children to crack Skasis Paradigm, rule universe, empty the dishwasher.

Why Rubbish?

Alright, so the end goal is pretty big, but even so, buggering about with chips and children whilst trying to run a modern comprehensive is an almighty kerfuffle that's all too easily kiboshed by the simple act of pulling out an electric plug. Even Mr Bronson would have seen that coming (and then thrown his wig at Danny Kendall, or some such).

 

Villain/s: Daleks, Resurrection of the Daleks (1984)

Daleks and Peter Davison in Resurrection of the daleks

The Aim:

Bust out Davros. Find cure for Movellan virus. Exterminate High Council of Gallifrey to microscopic smithereens. Change Insurance Provider.

The Plan:

Erm, store canisters of the deadly virus back on earth through a time tunnel, guarded by human clones. Quite why is never made clear. Also, use cloned TARDIS trio as a Time Lord Trojan horse to infiltrate the inner sanctum of Gallifrey.

Why Rubbish?

The clones are unstable, and prone to self-doubt (much like Barrymore, but a lot funnier). Davros is a treacherous bastard; Daleks asking him for help would be like Jerry asking Tom if he could sit in his mouth for a bit and not expect to get chomped to tiny mouse bits. Lytton is also a treacherous bastard. Dalek HR Dept. are woeful at background checks. They've forgotten that they've already cloned the Doctor's crew, and are wasting time trying again. They're clearly no good at multi-tasking and just making this shit up as they go. No wonder they more or less defeat themselves.

 

Villain/s: The Kraals, The Android Invasion (1975)

The Kraals in The Android Invasion

The Aim:

Re-colonise earth with their own kind.

The Plan:

Stealthily invade an English village using android doubles of the residents to spread a lethal virus in preparation for an invasion fleet.

Why Rubbish?

Huge waste of resources in duplicating said village for a dry run, only for them to arbitrarily blow it up. The robot's faces pop off at the slightest provocation. They coerce their human collaborator into assisting by telling them he's lost an eye by putting an eye-patch on him, and expect him to never check underneath. They choose a tiny English village in which to launch a viral assault, rather than somewhere densely-populated. The whole race gives up after just one of their number is killed in action. Even George Michael would struggle to get tipsy at a Kraal brewery piss-up.

 

Villain/s: The Borad, Timelash (1985)

The Borad in Timelash

The Aim:

Get some action

The Plan:

Provoke an intergalactic war with the neighbouring race of Bandrils in order to wipe out the indigenous Karfelons. This will leave the planet empty so that he can repopulate it with Morlox hybrids like himself by doing the nasty with the Doctor's jugsome campanion, Peri.

Why Rubbish?

Few women are impressed by the provocation of a race war. Just bellow a bit of poetry at her, or make flattering comments about her tits, or something. Just not the race war. Never the race war.

 

Villain/s: The Master, Castrovalva (1982)

The Master and The Doctor in Castrovalva

The Aim:

Fuck knows.

The Plan:

Re-programme the Doctor's TARDIS to hurtle towards the Big Bang and then, as a back-up, kidnap the Doctor's companion Adric and force him to do some massive sums. This will create an illusory planet in which to sod about dressed in a silly hat whilst the Doctor has a bit of a nap. Why Rubbish? To be honest, throw a dart into a pile of The Master's masterplans and you're going to lance an antithesis to logic. We just chose this one because of the hat.

 

Villain/s: The Cybermen, The Tomb of the Cybermen (1967)

The Cybermen are dicks in The Tomb of the Cybermen

The Aim:

Be roused from slumber Attract suitable candidates for conversion.

The Plan:

Seal themselves in a cryogenic chamber with a deliberately taxing entry system. Those intelligent enough to gain access will trip the wake-up call, and for their efforts, be converted to the Cyber cause.

Why Rubbish?

Surely there are better methods of recruitment than hiding in a giant freezer on the off-chance an inquisitive clever-clogs stumbles past? Fortunately for the Cybermen, there was such a person. Unfortunately for the Cybermen, he was so clever he defeated them. Didn't think of that did you, eh? You jug-eared, shiny morons.

 

In summary, Cybermen are dicks.

 

Miles Hamer

 

 

The Goon Show: Doctor Who's Thickest Villains
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