Doctor Who's Top Ten Sexy Monsters
And we mean sexy in the broadest sense...
No Lady Adrastas or Sharaz Jeks here. This is all about the monsters, preferably the grubbier the better. And I am well aware that in compiling this I am revealing to the nation (well, readers of The FanCan anyway) my peculiar sexual neuroses. Freud would have a field day. So, in reverse order, here's my list from the classic series. And I haven't even mentioned Alpha Centauri…
10. Vervoids
An obvious place to start. Although, until my wife pointed out that they looked like enormous glans, I hadn't even noticed. "That's so rude!" she ejaculated, when she watched the third tale from The Trial of a Time Lord (1986). Of course, when you see them that way, it's impossible to see them any other. Giant people-eating glans. Giant people-eating glans with broom bristles sticking up through the meatus, in point of fact. But sexy? Not much, chiefly because the rest of the costume (plastic leaves stuck to a wetsuit) is shit.
9. Exxilons
These mailbag-wearing City worshippers from Death to the Daleks are pretty orgiastic when they're gathering in their cave to do a spot of chanting. Once their hoods are rolled back — we never really know if it's clothes or skin — their bulbous eyes and bare skull-like heads are most apparent in the charming little scamp called Bellal. He's one of the cutest characters in Doctor Who. Cute and sexy? Quite possibly.
8. The Great One
Okay, this is weird. That great big spider from Planet of the Spiders does it for me. It may have something to do with the come-to-bed tones of Maureen Morris who provides the creature's voice. Or it may be because it keeps jerking around on its eight hairy black legs like a thing possessed. It is huge and it scared me almost as much as Lynx (the Sontaran not the aftershave), so again we have my sex/fear link to contend with [see below]. It might just be that a spider clinging to Sarah's back is full of Freudian sexual symbolism, and I'm projecting that onto the Great One. Or it may be that I'm just weird.
7. Voord
From The Keys of Marinus, these are the nearest we get to gimp outfits in Doctor Who until Sharaz Jek popped up in The Caves of Androzani. (Although, in hindsight, the Tenth Planet Cybermen had pretty gimpish cloth face masks.) Essentially men in rubber wetsuits with coat hanger hats, the Voord (or Voords) don't do much except stand around and look silly. Which, let's face it, is all people in gimp outfits do anyway.
6. Eldrad
But only in its female form, as delectably played by Judith Paris in The Hand of Fear (1976). Because the costume doesn't leave much to the imagination, her inclusion in this list is rather an obvious one. But stone-effect aside, she's rather too humanoid to be truly alien. Rather too womanly, if you take my drift. (I like womanly women, but this is supposed to be a list of monsters after all.)
5. Tharils
Warriors' Gate is a beautiful-looking story (courtesy of artsy director Paul Joyce) and its principle aliens, the Tharils, are beautiful creatures. The leonine make-up and prosthetics are seamlessly joined together and the actors who inhabit the stylish piratical costumes exude effortless grace. I met one of them at a posh public school performance of West Side Story once. David Weston his name was. Tall chap, but not nearly as good-looking as when he had that mask on. Perhaps the manacles helped too. And the way they pushed goblets of wine into the heaving bosoms of buxom young serving wenches. That definitely helped.
4. Robots
As in The Robots of Death. Sexy of course, but why? An Art Deco design that echoes the bawdy eroticism of Aubrey Beardsley perhaps. Slow, deliberate movements, seductive voices, the ability to auto-asphyxiate their masters. The perfect sex slaves. They would do anything one asked. Yes — even that. And they all wore wipe-clean rubber gloves. Mix in the primitive urges of new companion, Leela, and we have every fan's wet dream. Shame they go around murdering people, but you can't have everything.
3. Cybermen
Skin-tight, silver body suits, indomitable strength, impassive brutality…definitely very dominator-ish. (That's the male version of a Dominatrix and nothing to do with the decidedly non-sexy species in that titular Troughton tale.) The ones from The Invasion (1968) would be my choice, and by extension those from Revenge of the Cybermen (1975). All the others had bits and bobs added to the costume which took away from the streamlined simplicity of these guys. They also appear to be wearing knickers. Or nappies.
2. The Giant Maggots
Engorged penises bursting from the ground to spit liquid at the nearest innocent bystander. Need I say more? Not really, other than their appeal ties in with the Fear Factor previously mentioned: these were blind grubs who killed horribly, without motivation or remorse. And they looked like giant cocks. Doesn't sound very sexy does it? But as a small child I did have a fantasy about being a cowboy and being shot by Indians, and dying in the arms of my loved one. For me, Sex and Death went together in a weird sort of way. But not so weird when you think that is the basis for virtually every horror film ever made. (That's my defence and I'm sticking to it.)
1. Jingo Lynx
I don't know what it is about The Time Warrior. I was six years old and the whole story really caught my imagination. The medieval setting, Sarah Jane Smith, the silly robot knight and of course…that incredible new alien. Short, stocky and wearing a shiny black lurex suit, the S&M motif is now obvious. But I was only six! Perhaps it's the sheer fleshiness of the face, the oiliness of the skin, the tongue darting out of that slit of a mouth. Added to which is Kevin Lindsay's terrifyingly guttural rasp. There's nothing fey about this monster — it's pure flesh and bone right there. And it looks so darn realistic. I was also shit scared of it too, which in a funny kind of way made it even sexier.
Mark Campbell is currently undergoing counselling.
